Fullmetal Orgy
by Mikigotagun
Summary: Al is looking for something important, Armstrong can't keep his pants on, and Mustang is screwing everything and everyone. CRACK


HAHAHAHAHA! I WENT FROM RESIDENT EVIL CROSSOVERS TO PURE FULLMETAL CRACK! This story is the result of my daughter's love of the show Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, and our sick minds, a combination that looks… well…. like this.

Edward: THIS IS JUST INSANITY! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?

Miki: BECAUSE THIS IS A FANFIC AND LAWS DON'T APPLY HERE!

Dmetri: And because we can…

Alphonse: I'm happy. At least I'm not screwing the panda.

Miki: We can arrange that Al.

Dmetri: CAN WE JUST START THIS STORY NOW! The insanity is bubbling…

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

Fullmetal Orgy

Ed walked into the Colonel Mustangs office without knocking and what he saw disgusted him. He threw his hands over his eyes, "WHAT THE HELL COLONEL? CAN'T YOU KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR FIVE SECONDS?" Mustang grinned, as he didn't stop his motion, "You should learn to knock Fullmetal."

"What colonel does this one want a break on her taxes?" The woman looked up with sweat dripping from her face and a surprised look, "How did you know?" Ed flung himself around, "Oh fuck it I'll just wait outside." He walked out and shut the door Alphonse was standing outside the door, "What's going on brother? Did you ask him?" Ed gave his brother a screwed up look, "You lucky you didn't see that Al, it was disgusting. And no I didn't ask him." Al wiped the sweat from his brow and thought to himself 'I know I couldn't have lost it here' As he began to look around in closets and under furniture. Edward noticed his brother acting awkward lately, "Hey Al were you on the other side to long? Because you seem to be spending a lot of time on your face now and looking in and under things." Al jumped up, "Ah no brother I'm just looking for something." Ed started to walk down the hallway, "Ok but don't let the Colonel catch you in that position or you might find something you don't want to." Al pulled his pants out from the waist and looked down inside them, "I'm sorry but brother is right I'll look for you more later." He let go of his pants and ran after Edward.

About two hours later Hawkeye had her gun in front of her walking down the hallway. She past Major Armstrong in the hall who when he spotted her ripped his pants off, "HELLO LIEUTENANT DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY MANLINESS?" Hawkeye screamed, "HELL NO MAJOR PUT THAT THING AWAY BEFORE I BLOW IT OFF. Besides I'm looking for the Colonel." The Major got a scowl on his face as he put his pants on. Hawkeye raised her gun again as she made her way down the hallway when she heard odd grunting noises coming from a broom closet. She walked up and stuck her ear to the door and her mouth dropped as she heard the thudding in rhythmic sequence every second. 'I've got you now you pervert' she thought as she grabbed the handle and flung open the door and her jaw hit the ground. There inside the closet was Mustang giving it to Envy hard. He had Envy by the hair and was ramming him,

"COLONEL NOW IT'S A HOMONCULUS?" Colonel Mustang looked up with sweat pouring from his brow, "Oh wow it was dark and I'll I felt was the long hair." Envy grinned a giant grin, "Nicely done you monster." Then he skipped out of the closet and down the hall laughing loudly and whistling. Hawkeye raised her gun to Mustang, "I don't know if I should shoot you, it or myself Colonel." Mustang smiled at her, "Want a ride Lieutenant I promise it will be fun." Her head enlarged, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND I DON'T WANT HOMONCULUS SLOPPY SECONDS." She dropped her gun and turned to walk off, "Fuck you Colonel."

As she walked down the hall she passed Ed and Al. Ed smiled, "Hey Lieutenant what's up?" She scowled at him, "Bite me Ed!" and kept walking. Al turned to Edward, "Wow brother what bee pissed in her cheerios?" Edward gave Al a look, "I think it flew up her ass Al" they both shrugged and kept walking all the while Al was scanning everywhere for the thing he lost. Ed and Al walked past a room and saw Scar sitting on the floor rocking back and forth so they went in. "Hey Scar what are you doing?" He turned around with a crazy look in his red Ishvalan eyes, "Something's not making sense with my brothers note. I keep seeing the words backing soda and spoon." Edward scratched his head and started pulling Al out of the room, "Well good luck with that Scar." They got about four steps down the hall when they heard Scar yell, "I fucking knew it! My brother was on crack and this recipe for it." He was pacing back and forth talking to himself, "Shit, now I have to buy crack to understand this shit. Where does one even get crack?" He ran out the door just as the Elric brothers turned the corner out of his site and he yelled at the top of his lungs, "Does anybody know where to buy SOME DAMN CRACK!" Ed looked at Al, "Yeah he's out of his fucking mind now." Alphonse yelled back at Scar, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST USE THE RECIPE!" Scar thought for a minute, "Oh yeah" as he scratched his head went in the room and bolted the door.

Ed and Al had made it to Winry's house and were standing in the living room. Winry walked up behind Ed and all of a sudden he noticed that his pecker was standing at attention so he threw his coat over it. Winry stopped beside him, "Edward why do you have your coat tucked in the front of your pants?" Ed looked down, "Uh it's not exactly tucked in my pants Winry." It seemed everytime she got within a few feet of him now his pecker knew it before him. She looked down again and blushed, "Wow Edward that's some coat hook you got." Alphonse was busy looking under and around everywhere. Winry looked at Ed, "What the hell is he doing?" Ed scratched his head, "I don't know he's been doing that an awful lot lately." Ed was getting tired of it, "Al what the hell are you looking for?" Al looked up from the floor where he had been looking under the couch, "It's kind of embarrassing brother I really don't want to say it in front of Winry." Winry started to shake and screamed, "YOU DUMBASS WERE ALL FAMILY HERE." Then she smacked him with a vase. Al stood up holding his head, "FINE! I CAN'T FIND MY DICK BROTHER." Edward and Winry were both standing there with their jaws on the ground Ed looked at Al and his head enlarged and flames were behind his head, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AL? YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE A DICK? HOW THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN GOING TO THE BATHROOM? I GAVE UP MY ALCHEMY FOR YOUR WHOLE BODY YOU MEAN WE WERE FUCKIN CHEATED?" Al feeling very embarrassed, "I'm sorry brother let me just look in the closet" Al walked to the closet and to everyone's surprise there was Colonel Mustang in the closet. Flames shot out of Winry's ears, "COLONEL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DOLL?" Nobody was surprised but they were a little disturbed at the scene of Mustang violating Winry's rag doll. Mustang glanced over, "Oh hey Fullmetal I was coming to see you when this gorgeous creature caught my eye and I couldn't help myself." Edward facepalmed and through gritted teeth, "Colonel you seriously need some fucking help." Just then the door flew open and Hawkeye walked in, "Hey Colonel get a load of these." She put her hands up to her breasts and jiggled them, "Come on boy " She whistled at him like calling a dog. Mustang's eyes grew wide and his tongue rolled out of his mouth and hit the floor, "Really Lieutenant?"

Hawkeye backed out the door and Mustang was in hot pursuit, "In your dreams pervert." Just then Major Armstrong appeared behind her, "OH LIEUTENANT I SEE WE'RE ALL SHOWING OUR MANLINESS" Edward put his hand over Winry's eye's then his jaw hit the ground. Hawkeye pulled her gun and pointed it at Armstrong, "Major put your damn pants on now." Armstrong gave her the pouty boo boo face. She then ran around him with Mustang trailing after her like a dog in heat. Edward took his hand from Winry's eyes, "How the hell does he expect to be Fuhrer when he literally keeps screwing his subjects?" Winry with mouth open shook her head back and forth in disbelief.

Greed was standing in the middle of the courtyard, he knew Lan Fan would be trailing him because she was always trying to protect the young lord and he knew she had a thing for Ling. Now it was his turn to have some fun he looked around and spotted her in a tree, "Hey Lan Fan!" He turned his ass towards her and ripped his pants off and bent over and started patting his cheeks, "You want some of this?" He then began to move his ass cheeks up and down, "Boogey boogey boo I know you want it." Ling in Greed's mind, "Greed what the hell are you doing? The Emperor of Xing can't be seen without his pants." Greed yelled back, "Shut up piss ant." Lan Fan was thinking to herself, "_One day I'll tear that ass up._" Then she noticed him, "Hey Greed here comes Colonel Mustang and you have no pants." Greed got a 'Oh shit ' look on his face as Ling yelled in his head, "NO NOT HIM AND HIS ONE EYED WONDER WORM. RUN YOU FUCKING IDIOT I DON'T WANT TO BE PENETRATED FROM BEHIND." Mustang spotted bare ass in front of him and his hips were in motion Greed screamed "Aaah" As he took off and left a smoke trail behind him. Mustang was walking through the streets, "Oh Greed I saw that white ass where are you hiding?" Ling told Greed, "You make one fucking noise and I'll kill you myself." Greed then let Ling take over as they stood there biting their nails hoping Mustang wouldn't find them behind the dumpster.

Olivier came walking into the command room where Major Miles was sitting. He looked up and spit his coffee out noticing all she was wearing was a teddy, " Major Armstrong I think you forgot to finish getting dressed." She strolled over next to him, "I thought we could go over the Ishvalan mating rituals you said you would teach me." Miles put his coffee mug down and got up grabbed a rose off the desk and walked it over and handed it to her. She scowled at him and smelled it, "Roses bring fucking bees but thank you." She threw the rose and pushed him against the wall, "Take those glasses off so I can see your sexy red eyes Major." She grabbed his face and pushed it into her breasts, "Now lick that's an order." Just then Hawkeye came busting through the door, "Ah ha I found you pervert." Miles head poked out from behind Olivier's shoulder, "Are you looking for Mustang? He's licking my ass cheek."

"COLONEL! DAMN IT DON'T YOU EVER STOP?" Hawkeye pointed her gun at him, "You told me to shoot you if you got out of control Colonel and your way out of control." She cocked the gun, "So now I'm gonna shoot you." Mustang stood up and sashayed over to her, "You know Lieutenant if you would just give me a little sumtin' sumtin' I would quit all this." Hawkeye dropped her gun, "Well hell Colonel if that is all it's gonna take." She put her gun away and opened her arms in front of her, "Then come to mama baby." Mustang jumped up and his face got all shiny, "REALLY!" He ran over and jumped on her and she fell backwards on the desk. Olivier turned around, "Damn it do you guys mind finding your own fuck place like down the hall." Hawkeye grabbed Mustang by the back of the shirt and drug him out the door and down the hall. She threw him against the wall and ripped his shirt open, "Whoa Lieutenant." Hawkeye looked up, "Shut the hell up, sit back and enjoy the ride."


End file.
